Today is the day we celebrate the cliché.
Each year on Nov. 3, the tried, the mostly true and the oft-repeated get their due on National Cliché Day.
The word cliché, French in origin, was used by printers to describe the cast plates or block prints they used to replicate text and images. Later, non-printers adopted the word to describe stereotypes and repetitive phrases.
As Sagittarius sage Alain de Botton writes, “The problem with clichés is not that they contain false ideas, but rather that they are superficial articulations of very good ones. If we say that the sun is usually on fire at sunset, and the moon is discreet, then we’ll believe it is the last word on the topic. Clichés are detrimental insofar as they inspire us to believe that they adequately describe a situation while merely grazing its surface.”
Today, friends, we’ll be honoring that graze with a little rundown of the most cliché qualities of each of the 12 zodiac signs, from the rage of Aries to the praise kink of Leo, the intensity of Scorpio to the flakiness of Gemini.
Learn more by reading on.
ARIES (March 21 – April 19)
Aries, you are a raging, impatient id who loves pyrotechnics – both emotional and literal. You don’t so much speak the truth as hurl it at others.
Your attention span is the only thing that can be compared to your fuse.
Your confidence is despite your utter lack tact and abject clumsiness. Your charm is like a baby who writes a haiku using their own feces.
Conflict, car crashes and the smell of gas make your heart skip.
TAURUS (April 20 – May 20)
Taurus, your stubbornness, laziness and self-righteousness are unmovable. You’re incapable of accepting help or forgiveness. You prefer floor exercises to cardio and are weed-incarnate. You like house plants and often imitate them with your inactivity — but the real prize of your personal cultivation is your illustrious garden of grudges.
The first words you ever learned were “mine” and “more.” Curiously ornate, your general vibe is that of a toddler monarch, swaddled in expensive fabrics and suffering from a mysterious blood disease and an unnatural appetite. QVC is your self-soothing outlet. Enjoy your meal al fresco Masturbation, carbohydrates, and show tunes.
You are loyal but also lazy. You stay in relationships and jobs that have outlived their usefulness.
GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
Gemini is a superficial flake, constant interrupter, and a taunter who thinks they know more than they do.
On a good day, you are unpredictable. But on the worst days, you’re utterly unintelligible. You have difficulty maintaining eye contact, completing projects or operating heavy machinery. You are both inspiring and exhausting. You’re flirtatious, non-committal, and easily distracted.
You’re physically incapable of keeping secrets. If it was possible, you’d be the one to do so. Truth is an abstract idea to you. You’re known for rewriting the past, lying by omission, and confusing your opponents into forfeiture.
Walt Whitman is your zodiac sign. You are a swinging, high-to-low person. Donald Trump, and a coyote with one eye high on cocaine.
CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
You live in a weird, sad bird’s nest built from umbilical cords, deflated balloons, stolen strips of your ex’s clothing and the broken kaleidoscopes of other people’s dreams, Cancer.
You are manipulative, moody and full of delusion. You are a manipulative person, you have rosy-colored rearview mirrors, and your ability is limited to move forward. Your sensitivity is a form of narcissism as you feel that everything revolves around you, or is at least directed towards you.
You are a poetic person because All of us are able to do this. Hurts your feelings
LEO (July 23 – August 22)
Leo, I think you’re a glory-hog/stage mother/child star who is obsessed with your own success. You have big hair or a big ego — and probably both. You are the life of the party because you never know when to go home and can’t stand to be alone. You masturbate to your own sex tape and expect to be treated like the celebrity/second-string royalty you believe yourself to be, with comped Champagne, bent knees and kisses on your pinky ring.
You’re selfish and extravagant and cannot bear a bad angle or a supporting role. You only exist if you’re being watched and are only generous if there’s an audience.
Your pageantry and bluster masks your deep fear that you are average.
VIRGO (August 23 – September 22)
Virgo you’re a dead-end killjoy. You carry a holster with your hand sanitizer. You consume herbs in the hope that they will prolong your life, but are unable to fully enjoy it.
Detail-oriented, you’re never satisfied and always have a stomachache. You stitch your idiosyncrasies into a sort of earth-toned armour that prevents others from believing you are fun or DTF.
You’re judgmental and demanding, and you secretly enjoy it when others disappoint you because you know you were correct all along. You love to be slummed in relationships, because you know that if a codependent, broken trash monster needs you, then you won’t be seen as expendable.
LIBRA (September 23 – October 22)
Libra: You’re a people-pleasing pushover who maintains the status quo at all costs — and to the detriment of all parties.
You enjoy clean lines, modernist furnishings and sexting. You’re more interested in the appearance of things than their feel. You’d rather impress strangers than please close friends.
You’re an average cook and a world-class pot stirrer. You feel most comfortable when you are in a relationship, as it prevents you from defining yourself any other way.
You are very chameleonic. You’re indecisive, but you never seem to be kind. You’re a ruthless flirt, who will not apologize for it. But you are too cowardly and cynical to remain single for long periods of time. You’re great at interior design, airbrush makeup and cocktail parties but have no interest in developing your own interiority.
You’re a social climber who relies on cheap charm and network connections to avoid hard work.
SCORPIO (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpio, you’re intense, obsessive, and a little drunk on power.
You are a sexually insatiable person and you’re a wildly suspicious one. An emotional hoarder with a disquieting veneer, you are the aggregate of every crime boss, movie villain, pimp and femme fatale that’s ever walked the streets or lived in the cultural imagination. You believe that ghosts exist, and you can predict and prevent betrayal.
You steal souls, deal in secrets, and run the proverbial stage, pulling strings and holding stage lights like the draconian Phantom of the Opera.
You play the long game when it comes to revenge and are the sign most likely to break a heart — and steal a kidney.
SAGITTARIUS (November 22 – December 21)
You are an optimist Bon vivant Sagittarius, you are allergic to commitments. You want to have fun all the time.
You fancy yourself a philosopher when, in actuality, your ethos can more or less be encapsulated by a few lines from “Point Break.” You are a pedantic idealist who espouses the merits of freedom while subjecting everyone to your bulls–t.
You’ll take a set of wheels over a picket fence any day of the week and consider venereal diseases, divorce, warrants and bad tattoos the marks of a life richly lived.
CAPRICORN (December 22 – January 19)
Capricorn, you are a capitalist who punishes people and has a god complex. You put profits before people.
Your ambition is limitless and your ruthlessness has no boundaries. You take pride in your ability control, exile or deny emotional nature. Reserved and calculated, you don’t act or speak unless you’re sure of the return on investment. If it doesn’t pay, it has no purpose; if it doesn’t last, it has no appeal.
You don’t like the frivolous, the inefficient or the trivial. You don’t believe in ghosts, astrology or second chances.
AQUARIUS (January 20 – February 18)
Aquarius: you don’t have feelings and would prefer to spend your life working on a reality simulator than ever talking to a stranger.
Deep space’s deafening silence has a narcotic effect on you. You are a charismatic cult-leader who is always enthralling. Your interests include loose linens and mind control, as well as experimental communities.
You are a person who is deeply attracted to humanity, but you dislike social interaction. You identify with Oprah. You have slightly wavy hair, you are a quirk, and would be the first to have sex if an alien approached you.
PISCES (February 19 – March 20)
You are a Pisces if you’re a mix of a maniac pixie dreamgirl, sad-sack, poet, wet eyed martyr, nihilist, wearing a turtleneck with cheap Champagne in your belly, or the last person to stand at a party while dancing to synth pop.
You’re known for being emotionally fragile and showing up with half a bag at all kinds of social events. You can’t handle the reality of today. Instead, you live in a Teletubby dreamland filled with prescription pills, white Lie, watercolor paintings and John Hughes movies.
Astrologer Reda Wigle researches and irreverently reports back on planetary configurations and their effect on each zodiac sign. Her horoscopes incorporate history, pop culture, poetry and personal experiences. She is a talented writer and has chronicled her travels as well as profiled many artists and performers. Among the many intriguing topics she has tackled are cemetery etiquette, her love for dive bars, Cuban Airbnbs, a “girls guide” to strip clubs and the “weirdest” foods available abroad.